Stunning Senior Moment

 

A very self-important uni student attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

 

"You grew up in a different world, actually, an almost primitive one," the student said loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

 

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp; light-speed processing ....and......." The student paused to take another drink of his beer.

 

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them.  Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?" 

 

The applause was resounding...      I love senior citizens.

 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here mate.  I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.   I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."    Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

 

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.   His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. . ..   "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

 

Tribal Wisdom of the Dakota Indians

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

But in modern business (and education and government), because heavy investment factors are taken into consideration, other strategies are often tried with dead horses, including the following:

 

1. Buying a stronger whip.

 

2. Changing riders.

 

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

 

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

 

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

 

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

 

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired".

 

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

 

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

 

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

 

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

 

12. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line than some other horses.

 

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

 

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

Does this ring a bell, with you?

 

 

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

 

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

 

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help

me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

 

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

 

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right

now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening

exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

 

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized

that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he

replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

 

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

Now, didn't that feel good?   Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak

 

The pilots

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg .....

 

 

Stupidity Award Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

 

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his

insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K store, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of plexi-glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man frustrated, walked away.

 

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had!

 

 

A man asks the Pharmacist for Viagra. "Do you have a prescription?" asks the pharmacist. " No but here's a Picture of my wife.."

 

 

An American tourist in London decides to leave his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS!

He really has to go after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie who says, "I say sir, you simply cannot do that here you know."

"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley" then along a wall to a gate which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away Sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There're manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie

"That was really decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir." Replied the Bobbie. "That is what we call the French Embassy."

Humor …...             

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